(650) 597-9955
(650) 597-9955

Relationship Conflict:
Why the People You Love Best
Get the Worst of You

Have you ever wondered why the people you love the most get the worst of you?

The sharpest words, the chilliest silences, the sudden storms of emotion… They’re not because your relationship is doomed or you’re an unredeemable a**. Relationship conflict arises because deep intimacy stirs old wounds – and when it does, it can feel like the very ground beneath you is shaking.

It’s not necessarily that something is wrong with this relationship, these tremors are more likely a sign of how deeply your partner matters to you. (I’m not talking about violence or abuse, please don’t misunderstand my point)

In this blog post, we’ll explore why relationship conflict is unavoidable, how you can time-travel during fights, and how you can learn to navigate these moments with more awareness, steadiness, and skill – for yourself and for your loved ones.

As a sex & intimacy coach oriented by the connection between spirituality and sexuality, I guide clients to consciously cultivate more intimacy in all areas of their lives. Curious to see if we’re the right fit for this work? Email info@christinasophiecoaching.com to schedule a free 15-minute heart-to-heart chat with me.

Table of Contents

Why Your Partner Can Trigger the Worst in You

When you’re snappy with your partner – but easygoing around everyone else – you might wonder what’s going on. How come it’s easy to share with people in a class… and I’m so open hearted to people in line at the cafe… but when I get home, I hardly recognize myself?

Or maybe it’s the other way around: You know your Sweetie is unflappably mellow in the office, at church, and with friends, but a certain sharpness (or judgment, frustration, anger) arises at what feels like the slightest provocation from you. And you both feel bad about it. Especially since more than anything you’re just trying to relax, unwind, and enjoy each other.

If This Scene Is Familiar… It’s Time for a Change

It just happens all of the sudden. A second ago, everything felt fine… you were talking, maybe even laughing… then something cracks. A comment that’s off or a misunderstanding you didn’t see coming. A moment where their meaning misses yours.

Your body feels the hit before your mind can catch it: offense, hurt, heat in your chest, the heavy urge to lash out, cry, or shut down. It’s physical, like an earthquake erupting from your bones.

At first, the reason seems obvious: They said something s***ty. You’re just reacting strongly because “how could they do/ say/ think that?” Your reaction feels justified.

But here’s what’s harder to register during rocky moments like this one: The force of your reaction – the way it overtakes your body before you can think about it – isn’t only about what’s happening now.

It’s what happens when old pain breaks the surface, triggered by the pressure of the present. And the more you matter to one another the more intensely you feel relationship conflicts.

What in You Is Causing Relationship Conflict?

When an emotional earthquake hits, it is not just drama: it’s biology.

Your limbic system – the emotional alarm center of your brain – seizes control.[1] It starts scanning for danger, not nuance, since it’s always asking: Am I okay? Am I loved? Am I safe right now? Will I continue to be safe?

Designed to protect you at all costs, the limbic system activates during stress to pull energy away from your prefrontal cortex. That’s the part of your brain responsible for reflection, complex reasoning, and empathy; it’s where your wise, patient, mature self lives.

Without full access to your prefrontal cortex, the part of you that could sort old pain from present reality goes offline. All of the sudden, hurt younger versions of you (even ones you can’t remember) freak out and lash out. Only one thing matters – survival – not reason, reflection, or empathy, and this is NATURAL.[2]

My clients bring up situations like this one all the time in our intimacy coaching sessions. Clearly, as this pattern reveals, nervous system regulation is required if you want deep intimacy in your relationship (and in any relationship, romantic or otherwise).[3]

Enter: The Trigger Richter Scale for Navigating the Nervous System

Think of it like a Trigger Richter Scale:

  • If you’re operating at a 0-2, you’re grounded, flexible, and emotionally available. You can listen with openness and track your own reactions, and pay attention to your impact on your partner.
  • At a 3 or higher? Your survival brain starts taking the wheel. You might still look somewhat calm on the outside, but inside, urgency. Your body is bracing. You may even find yourself in “lawyer mode” – where the limbic system pretends it’s being exceedingly rational, but it’s actually just another layer of defense. You’ve started to run on reflexes; you’re reacting in increasingly pre patterned ways, not from your wisest self.
  • A steady 5 (or higher) indicates that you’re starting to live in what many people refer to as “survival mode,” controlled by your impulses more than you control them. Your body is flooded with stress hormones; your thinking is distorted; you may say or do things that don’t reflect your deeper values, because you’re struggling to access the parts of you that do.
  • When you experience 7+, you’re no longer choosing your reactions. You’re just focused on base survival reflexes: attack, withdraw, fawn, or freeze. Your mature self isn’t running the show anymore; your younger self is. Outbursts (even ones that leave you unrecognizable in the mirror of your self-image) are common at 7+ on the Trigger Richter Scale.

Studies suggest that when we’re emotionally triggered, our prefrontal cortex can lose up to 40% of its function. Forty percent![2] That means almost half of your inner therapist, inner teacher, and inner grown up is unavailable when you need to call on them most.

Now layer on the effects of daily stress, anxiety, or low-grade burnout. That stuff silently inflates your baseline trigger level. So if you’re walking around at a 2.7 just from work pressure or recent chaos with your children, it won’t take much – a sarcastic comment, a missed cue, a partner’s bad mood – to send you past a 3 (maybe even way past a 3).

And then? Boom. Lizard brain. And it’s not just defense mechanisms that live in that part of your brain, it’s also the spot where all of your memories are stored too! The stories from childhood come roaring online. It’s not about the dirty dishes anymore. This specific form of relationship conflict comes into the room with you and your partner.

The Pause Button: Your New Go-To Practice During Relationship Conflict

By the time conflict hits, you’re too wound up to invent helpful tools or processes for moving through relationship conflict. That’s why I recommend installing a Pause Button in your relationship while you’re both calm, long before the next emotional earthquake strikes.

Start by having a meaningful conversation with your partner ahead of time, while you’re both feeling calm, centered, and present. Tell your partner everything you’ve learned about what happens in the brain during conflict. Try something simple, “Hey, when either of us feels ourselves tipping over a 3 on the scale, can we agree that calling Pause is a move toward connection – not away from it?”

Then, when the time comes, practice pressing pause in the heat of the moment.

When you notice yourself bracing, blaming, shutting down, or wanting to lash out… maybe your face is flushing hot, or your impulse is to lean back or lunge forward or leave… you’re probably over a 3 on the Trigger Richter Scale.

Try It Out Now, Step by Step

  1. Express yourself lovingly and simply: “I’m pressing pause now.”
  2. Use your breath to change the state of your nervous system. Inhale slowly through your nose (1… 2… 3…) and then exhale even more slowly through your month (5… 4… 3… 2… 1). Repeat this three times, letting your eyes rest softly on something stable in front of you.
  3. If you’re below a 3 after that, re-engage gently. If not, stay paused. Keep breathing. Protect your partner until your body says it’s ready to speak vulnerably and listen empathetically.
  4. Say the emotion you were feeling before the pause in just a few words. Sentences like “I’m feeling angry, or maybe even afraid” tame your rushing mind while cluing your partner into your experience of the moment. Just the very act of finding the word brings your brain back to a calmer, more integrated state. (Watch Dan Siegel’s great lecture, “Name it to Tame it” for more on that!)

From there, continue on from a more regulated, connected place inside, using the tools and empathy you’ve developed during the course of your relationship.[4] (Want some help doing that? We can dive into your personal situation during a coaching session. Reach out to me at info@christinasophiecoaching.com.)

How to Move from Relationship Conflict to Deeper Pleasure, Fulfillment, & Intimacy

The same limbic system that’s responsible for fight-or-flight is also responsible for whether your body feels safe enough to experience pleasure. If your brain is constantly scanning for threats, even low-level ones, there’s just not enough bandwidth left to open up to sensuality, play, and meaningful erotic connection.

So, if you’re someone who feels like you have “low desire,” consider this: Is your nervous system in a place where it even can receive pleasure? You can’t open when you’re bracing. You can’t let go when your body thinks it’s at war. You can’t make space for the heights of bliss when your mind is stuck on other stressors. Pleasure – especially sexual pleasure – requires a nervous system that feels safe.

This is why down-regulation of the nervous system isn’t only a wellness buzzword. It’s foundational to relational health, emotional intelligence, and erotic aliveness – really, all the sweet pleasures we wish to fully feel in life. Down-regulating the nervous system allows all that hard-earned self-awareness (like the stuff you’ve learned in therapy, workshops, and long lakeside strolls with friends) to actually come online when you need it.

Is It Time for Personalized Support?

Nervous system regulation is not about getting everyone to fake calm down or perform bliss; it’s about embracing authenticity while choosing loving connection, again and again and again, even when the ground shakes and you don’t necessarily feel loving in the moment.

If you recognize yourself and your partner in this style of relationship conflict, repair is available to you, but it won’t be easy. Unlike what society has largely taught us, real intimacy takes work, conscious effort, tenacity and the willingness to be vulnerable.

Watch what happens (in your romantic partnership and your whole life) when you start adopting these frameworks and practices with an open mind.

Instead of going it alone, it may be time to receive professional support and personal guidance. In our intimacy coaching sessions, we can explore the raw material of your unique experience, including the signals sent by your body in all sorts of moments. Send me an email at info@christinasophiecoaching.com to schedule your free 15-minute heart-to-heart chat with me. I’m here to help you learn the skill of true intimacy, with supportive practices and advice along the way.