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How to Resolve Conflict in a Relationship
& Alchemize It Into Real Intimacy

What if some of the fights you dread are actually growing you into a better partner – and a better person?

At first, it can be difficult to see things this way… and then it’s immensely relieving, both for you and your long-term partner.

In my previous blog post about relationship conflict, we explored why your partner might be bringing out the worst in you (hint: it’s actually a positive sign) and how to start regulating your nervous system in moments of distress.

Now let’s dive into how you and your partner can approach relationship conflict together – and start consciously using it as fuel for your evolution.

After decades of deep work with both individuals and couples as a sex & intimacy coach, I’ve witnessed conflict and closeness in countless forms. I’m on your side – that is, the side of pleasure, connection, and meaningful growth. It’s my mission to help you access those qualities in your everyday life (whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not) through an approach that meets the needs of your life.

Table of Contents

Step 1: Treat Relationship Conflict as a Symptom of Intimacy

One of the cruel miracles of long-term relationships is that your partner will show you truths about yourself that you would never go looking for on your own. And they won’t do it (at least so obviously) when you’re calm.

They’ll do it in the middle of a fight, when your body is on high alert and all you want to do is fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. It’s pretty much guaranteed – a mostly unspoken part of the package of literally all relationships.

Ironically, you and your partner may be having earth-shaking fights because you are so bonded. Relationship conflict can be proof of your true intimacy, not the absence of intimacy.

Of course, I’m not talking about physical violence or emotional abuse. That’s totally different. I mean the discomfort of feeling deeply rattled by your Sweetie, the ground cracking open under the person who was your rock just a few minutes ago.

Step 2: Skip Problem-Solving Mode

Most partners think that conflict is about solving a problem or making a plan. If that worked, I wouldn’t have a job (or need to write blog posts like this one).

Problem-solving is actually the easy part, pretty simple to figure out as soon as you understand each other and aren’t feeling so triggered. The hard part is getting to that state.

When you jump into problem-solving mode and skip over that deeper work, you end up swapping strategies for how the other person should behave… Or making fragile agreements you can’t possibly hold onto in the heat of the moment.

It’s much easier to be yourself – and to be known – than to remember a list of rules for resolution. Real intimacy is the power move here, uncomfortable but pregnant with potential.

Step 3: Respect Their Perception (Flawed) and Your Own (Equally Flawed)

But why can’t your partner just see things your way???

It’s a fair question, and my clients often wonder it out loud to me in the safety of our intimacy coaching sessions. Neuroscientist Dr. Beau Lotto has a good answer for us.

Your brain is wired to filter reality through layers of bias you didn’t choose and can’t easily see. In his words: “Every behavior, every perception is grounded in assumptions and biases, almost always unconsciously. Those biases come from your personal history, your culture, and even your evolutionary ancestry.”

Dr. Lotto’s work clarifies that this isn’t merely a psychological insight. The misunderstanding that arises between you and your partner is, to a high degree, a neurological reality.

You’re not seeing things objectively because there is no objective reality. We are all living inside our own perception.

Most of the time, those perceptions are really useful… until they are not. In a fight, they can turn your partner’s words into cold, hard proof you’ll never be understood.

Here’s the thing, central to Dr. Lotto’s theory and to your personal growth: “Sometimes the best person to reveal your own biases and assumptions to you is not you – it’s another person.” Which means that your partner, especially in moments of conflict, might be the very mirror you need… even if you don’t like what you see.[1]

The upside? The expansion of your consciousness, guaranteed.

Step 4: Try This Partner Exercise for the Repair Process

This is where learning to manage your nervous system comes in. If you can’t get your body back to a place of safety, it’s nearly impossible to realize that this conflict is in service to your growth. And it’s impossible to appreciate this truth and act accordingly.

Thankfully, my teacher, Dr. Ellyn Bade, has a new approach for us, rooted in the decades she’s spent pioneering the field of couples therapy at her Couples Institute.

She gives us a way of relating that helps us face the mirror of each other, including in instances of shared stress. We can start playing with it right now.

One partner takes the role of the “Initiator,” and the other becomes the “Inquirer.” I use language that feels more natural: the Explorer (the one speaking) and the Curious Partner (the one listening), as you both learn how to resolve conflict in a relationship:

  • When you’re the Explorer, your job isn’t to convince your partner you’re right. As Dr. Bader says, “The purpose is to learn more about yourself and share that learning in a way your partner can hear.” That means staying inside your own experience, even when you’re triggered (especially when you’re triggered).
  • When you’re the Curious Partner, your role is to help your partner explore and understand themselves more fully, even when what they’re saying is hard to hear. That takes curiosity and self-management: holding your reactions while staying open.[2]

Start experimenting in each role, but don’t expect it to be easy! It may sound simple, but this exercise cuts against every instinct in a fight. We typically get tangled in enmeshment, convinced that changing our partner’s perspective or behavior is the only way to clear things up and feel better.

But two utterly sane, thoughtful people can see the same moment in completely different ways… Because there is no objective reality. The work is staying curious about your partner’s version, even when it feels like not being loved.

Once you’re in that space, the “necessary mess” of conflict often clears, and the decisions that felt impossible can suddenly seem quite simple. That’s the problem-solving part.

But it can only bring forward the clarity and relief you crave when you’re willing to slog through the mud with your lover.

(Stay tuned for a future blog post on Dr. Bader’s differentiation model of couples therapy, which I’m proud to be a student of. This single exercise just scratches the surface of what her work offers us when it comes to building loving, reciprocal, and healthy relationships.)

Step 5: Lean Into Your Shared Evolutionary Journey

Conflict is the natural part of personal growth that folks most often want to skip. Yet, as Dr. Lotto’s research and Dr. Bader’s clinical wisdom both show, this is how the sausage is made.

As Dr. Bader put it so wisely during one of her lectures, “When you get into a relationship, it gives you the opportunity to learn things about yourself that you would’ve never chosen to learn.”

The very moments you’d never choose – the stuck places, the gut-wrenching arguments – are the ones that stretch you into someone more self-aware and capable of connection. Indeed, personal growth and evolution are impossible without conflict.

Conflict is not always a signal that your relationship is broken. It’s evidence that you’re brushing up against the edge of what you think you know about yourself, your partner, and even about life itself.

Let yourself experience it as a doorway to seeing differently, loving more fully, and creating the kind of connection you can trust. It’s evolution happening through you, and it can be powerful alchemy – starting the moment you choose to see it that way.

If you start adopting this attitude or try Dr. Bader’s practice on your own (and I hope you do), be patient. It’s extremely difficult to do it well without support, and there’s no shame in needing help.

When you’d like professional guidance along the way… Well, that’s my job! Together, we can navigate the bumpy terrain of relating, using exercises like the one I shared in this blog post, among many others. Each of our sex & intimacy coaching sessions is tailored to your unique needs, desires, goals, and preferences.

To see if we’re a good fit for this work, and to schedule your introductory session, send me an email at info@christinasophiecoaching.com.